because i

i sometimes wondered what she was thinking

when she sat on the bed and watched me pretend to sleep

and i wondered if she loved me

and if she wanted to hurt me

and if she wanted to leave

and i wanted to ask her

but then

i wrapped my arms around her

around her

neck

and i straddled her and i

looked into her wide eyes

and i

smiled and

i thought that if we were to have sex we

would be doing it that way but my hands

my hands would be running up her torso

squeezing her breasts touching her stomach not

around her neck squeezing the breath out of her

and she gripped my wrists with her small

small hands her fingers are so pretty

and nails cut into me her legs

moved

under me

her smooth hair was splayed on the bed sheets getting

tangled getting disheveled her

eyes were wet and my eyes were wet too

and that wetness rolled off my cheeks

it hit her it fell onto her dress

and her forehead and into her mouth

and she choked on it and she

choked on my fingers

crushing her

and she

was crushed

and she stopped forever

and i stopped

but i kept moving and i'm not human anymore

and even in hell there's

no place for a thing such as me

there is no punishment long enough

in forever

for me

so i will live

i am alive

i live with my memory

of her and what i did to her and what i wanted to do with her

and she doesn't

and

never again

does she

so i am alone and and and end