because i

i sometimes wondered what she was thinking

when she sat on the bed and watched me pretend to sleep

and i wondered if she loved me

and if she wanted to hurt me

and if she wanted to leave

and i wanted to ask her

but then

i wrapped my arms around her

around her

neck

and i straddled her and i

looked into her wide eyes

and i

smiled and

i thought that if we were to have sex we

would be doing it that way but my hands

my hands would be running up her torso

squeezing her breasts touching her stomach not

around her neck squeezing the breath out of her

and she gripped my wrists with her small

small hands her fingers are so pretty

and nails cut into me her legs

moved

under me

her smooth hair was splayed on the bed sheets getting

tangled getting disheveled her

eyes were wet and my eyes were wet too

and that wetness rolled off my cheeks

it hit her it fell onto her dress

and her forehead and into her mouth

and she choked on it and she

choked on my fingers

crushing her

and she

was crushed

and she stopped forever

and i stopped

but i kept moving and i'm not human anymore

and even in hell there's

no place for a thing such as me

there is no punishment long enough

in forever

for me

so i will live

i am alive

i live with my memory

of her and what i did to her and what i wanted to do with her

and she doesn't

and

never again

does she

so i am alone and and and end

here,

君と僕、

いっしょに、

いつも、

いつも、

君のために、

星たちは笑っている、

僕の口から

嘘が落ちる、

きっと、

君の涙が冷たい

sometimes love.

I try to look at the photos of us

The one time we ever did

It was cold and the snow

didn't sparkle

Our hands touched

Our faces touched

And I can only wish

that our lips had touched too

I fell for you then

Love

Infatuation

Unrequited

What is it I wonder

A horrible pain in

My eyes, head, finger tips

Chest

Heart

I'll never tell you

I'll never see you

I'll forget you

the chords of my last breath.

You're holding me close to your chest, close to your heart. I can hear the rhythm of your body, it's a metronome in my ears. Your arms are cradling me and I can see your face looking down to me. Brows scrunched together, eyes clouded, mouth slightly parted. Your face is sticky with tears and the sun behind you illuminates the drops clinging beautifully to your eyelashes. Your hair is disheveled, clothes dusty and your breath coming out in soft sobs.

I want to reach my hand up to you, dry your eyes, push your hair behind your ear. But my fingers, my hands, they are cold as clay and I can barely keep the breath in my lungs. I want to say something, I want to open my mouth, let my voice free. My body does not cooperate. It feels as if my throat is gone.

I see your hand move to my face. It's red with blood. My blood. You rest it on my cheek, stroking it ever so gently. It feels wet, almost sticky. You look so sad, staring at me as I lay motionless in your arms. Your lips are moving, words escaping them. I hear nothing but the silence of my own thoughts spilling out of my head to disappear.

I think about how you're safe now. And how the ending of my life is, even if just this once, able to prevent anything from happening to you. Dying to protect someone I love, someone who is my everything, someone who I need. Dying to protect you.

I love you, and I think that this isn't such a bad way to die. My only regret being that you have to be here, watching, experiencing me slowly lose my life. And that I have to leave you behind. I'm so sorry.

We gaze into each other's eyes, into each other's souls, and with the last of my strength, I manage to lift my mouth into a small smile.

My eyelids feel so heavy, and against my will, they start to slide shut. There is only darkness when my eyes finally close, but I hang onto the memory of you as I fade away.

some days are just for us.

It was a damp kind of day. The weather outside cold, dark, mostly dreary. The kind of day where you just don't feel like doing anything.

We decided it was the perfect opportunity to skip class. We sat at the stairwell. On top of the heater that was in the middle where the doors to the outside were. Where the second set of stairs started and the first ended. It sat against the wall, about a meter tall and wide. The heater was hot on our legs and we rested our hands on the edge, shifting every so often so we wouldn't get burned. Our shoulders, arms, thighs pressed against one another, we sat close so we didn't fall off. We leaned into each other and it was comfortable.

He was holding a book, reading off a paragraph word by word out loud. His voice smooth, only stuttering or mispronouncing a few times. He read with a pleasant fluidity and it echoed off the brick walls that surrounded us.

I was staring at the book, following his voice on the page but also trying to fight off sleep. I was tired and he was so warm and I wanted to close my eyes right there, but I continued to listen.

Times like these, times spent with just the two of us seemed to become more and more rare as he got busier. He worked hard at everything he did, while I just moved through the days. It was difficult to find spare moments in which we could be together, so we took every chance we could. It seemed he was leaving me behind, so I clung to him, savouring and enjoying every instant.

I sighed deeply and rested my head on his shoulder so I could still see the book but I was closer to him, even if just by a little. It felt good and right to have his body heat mingle with mine. He stopped reading to let out a long yawn. His body stiffened then relaxed slightly as he exhaled loudly.

'I'm tired,' he said, while rubbing his eye, one hand still holding the book.

'Me too,' I replied, watching the novel slip from his grasp and fall to the tiled floor, splayed in the middle and pages bent.

'Damn.'

We looked at each other. I observed the way his eyes fluttered as he blinked. Perfectly almond shaped eyes, almost almond in color as well, framed by long but sparse lashes. His hair was sweeped to the side but still managed to obscure most of his pretty left eye.

He lifted a hand up and gently pushed my hair away from my cheek to my ear. His fingers were cold on my skin.

Slowly, so slowly, his face came nearer to mine. His hand was on me, fingertips ghosting my cheek. His lips pressed against mine and I leaned in.

Our kiss was short, and it left a sort of fleeting feeling in my stomach. Something akin to nervousness or maybe happiness. He pulled away, hand not moving from my cheek. I stared at him, then smiled.

'Does this mean we're gay?'

He laughed and it sounded so good running through my ears.

'Not entirely?' We laughed together and it made me happier than it should have.

He slid off the heater and grabbed my hand to pull me down as well. We walked up the second flight of stairs holding hands, fingers intertwined, leaving the fallen book to be forgotten.